08/07/02

Housework

The reason that men do less housework than women is because, quite simply, they are less easily offended by any given level of mess.

Furthermore, to vacuum, dust or polish requires the same motivation levels in men as are required for moving house!

Men just do not respond to the same low levels of untidiness as do women. And so whenever the female-threshold is reached, and the good woman must whisk herself away to tackle the debris around the house, the man remains undisturbed, at peace, and contented with his surroundings. 

His threshold to domestic action has still a mile to go!

My teaspoons have to be positively caked with various oxides and tannins from my tea-drinking habit - with not a sliver of silver to be seen - before they hit the washing-up bowl for their annual scrape.

But have you noticed how women clean the teaspoons even after just one or two stirrings!?

It's ridiculous.

They pour the tea. They take a clean teaspoon out of the drawer. They stir in the milk. And then they toss that very same teaspoon - that sweet virgin of a teaspoon - straight into the washing bowl!

It's obscene.

But, of course, this is all part of the gender divide.

Statistically speaking, women are far more concerned with how things appear to be, rather than with what they are. And this is not just the case when it comes to their labours concerning clothes, makeup, fashion and bodily decorations, it even extends to teaspoons!

And to housework.

But if men were more like women - that is, more concerned about how things look rather than how things are - then women, western women, that is, would not now be living their precious lives as the most pampered, the most protected, the most catered for, and the most over-indulged organisms ever to have existed on the planet.

And so, "Let them do most of the housework," I say. They seem to be doing pretty well out of it.

Besides which, it is part and parcel of their wily natures to be concerned more than men about such things.

Appearance is everything.

Of course, if men were actually forcing women to do more housework than themselves - rather than it being the case that women actually feel more impelled to do it - then this might be some cause for genuine concern, but, since there is no evidence to suggest that men are using force, then, when pseudo-academics and sociologists or feminists complain that women do more housework than men, the answer to them should be, "And quite right too!"

And if women want to keep their habitats more tidy than would men, then why should they not be allowed to do so?

Nevertheless, I, myself, am always very willing to proffer some expertise and sound advice when it comes to any domestic enterprise. And so, for example, I would probably advise my Harlot that, ergonomically speaking, it would be far more efficient if she made me a cup of tea and a sandwich or two before doing the housework rather than afterwards. 

Such refreshments would enable me to assess more precisely the standard of her workmanship when the tasks are done, and I would also be able to pinpoint more accurately those areas of her work and attitude that needed improving.

09/12/02

Housework

Dear Jenny

If God had wanted men to do housework then he would have genetically programmed women to drool over men while they did it.

The sight of men doing the dishes would have made their G-spots zizz.

It turns out, however, that normal women find men who do housework to be about as attractive as do normal men find women who fix cars and build walls. 

A woman who wants her man to do housework is unconsciously seeking a divorce. She has no feeling for him - as a man, that is.

After all, imagine, for example, a man wanting his woman to repair the car or fix the roof!

What would this man really be saying to her?

But there is nothing more arousing for a man than to peer over the top of his newspaper in order to observe closely his woman scuttling around, hither and thither, vacuuming the carpet, dusting the furniture and cleaning the windows - her pretty negligee rising and falling tantalisingly to the sensual rhythms of her labours.

And the smell of the roast beef wafting over from the kitchen as it lies spitting in the oven while his woman is peeling the potatoes further stimulates his secret cavities with the most erotic and sexual of juices - confidential juices that only men know about - and which would never be mentioned around any womenfolk.

So. Tell me. How can it possibly be that men were meant to do housework?

Of course, if a man wishes to do housework, then this is his choice. And if he also wishes to wear a pretty pinafore while he does it, well, the very same is true.

But a man who has such things imposed upon him by his woman is not a man at all.

He is a mouse.

Furthermore, is it not the case that many female mammals and birds have something within their brains akin to a nesting instinct? Perhaps this is one reason why women feel impelled to do more housework than men. Perhaps there is some deep-seated configuration in their brains that causes them to want to be more involved with matters to do with the 'nest'.

For example, little girls like dolls houses far more so than do little boys. And womenfolk are certainly more concerned about how things look than are men. 

Such factors will make women reach for their dusters well before their menfolk even notice any dust.

Look. Women want to go out to work and to get special treatment in just about every area of their lives. This, they have already achieved. If they want to fix cars and build walls, no-one is stopping them. And so, if men do not want to do much in the way of housework, then, quite frankly, so what!? Why should they not be allowed to choose this option?

This notion that men should do as much housework as women is derived from nothing more than the usual feminist-inspired propaganda that tries to stir up hatred toward men. And, surely, there is no longer any reason why men should bother to conform to the wishful expectations of women, given that women are failing so completely to reciprocate.

AH

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